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Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long ice fishing. One man has had no luck, not a single bite. But the other man has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck leans over and asks the other man what his secret is.

"mmm mm mmmmm mmm mmmmm mmm" is the reply.

"Im sorry, what did you say?"

"mmm mm mmmmm mmm mmmmmm mmm" The successful fisherman repeats.

"Im sorry, I still didn't understand you."

The man spits something into his hands and says very clearly, "You've got to keep your worms warm."

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I was fishing next to some people the other day. an older man and a young kid. The kid was chowing down on junk food and soda, and after, lit up a cigerette. The old man told him he wouldn't live long and healthy w/ those habits. The kid snapped back that his grandpa had lived to be 101. The old man did'nt back down and said his (the kid's) grandfather couldn't have lived that long eating junk food and cigerettes. The kid said "no, he lived that long minding his own damb buissness!

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335 Posts
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the
wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she
got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband,
?It?s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the

He says, ?O.K., Get in the car with it.?

?Where shall I put it to get it warm??

He says, ?Put it in between your legs. It?s nice and warm there.

But what about the smell??

?Just hold its nose.?

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him died at the scene.

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227 Posts
A man from NYC moved to Colorado and became fascinated with the thought of ice fishing, after talking with a local tackle shop owner. He ended up buying a bunch of tip-ups, ice auger, skimmer basket, etc. His first morning out on the pond, he fired up the auger and started drilling a hole. A very loud almost spiritual voice boomed out over the ice, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE"!!!
The man somewhat shocked and bewildered moved about 100 feet to the left and proceeded to start drilling again, the voice boomed again, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE"!!!
Now really frightened the man moved another 50 feet and just as he started drilling his 3rd hole, he heard the booming voice again,

"THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER......................THERE ARE NO FISH HERE"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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335 Posts
OK, here is an old one:

ne day, while sailing the Seven Seas, Captain Bravo's lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became frantic!

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck
recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the
attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders.

Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast
armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear,
turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

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335 Posts
An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion. The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it
shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there. She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.
Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church. Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's colder than sh## in here!" Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment!

All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church. The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday. Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began, the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's colder than sh## in here!!" And again the woman ran from the church.

The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner. Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution: "If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder."

"That'll work?" asked the woman.

"Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.

So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's colder than sh## in here!!"
Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder. The parrot teetered, almost fell off, shook his head, ruffled his feathers

and said, "Pretty [email protected]@@in' windy, too!"

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227 Posts
Speaking of Parrot stories:

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the parrots mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to help clean up the bird's act.
Finally John became fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John grabbed and shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and ruder.
John in desparation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird by the throat and put him in the freezer!!
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door of the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstreched arm and said,

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I full intend to do everything I can to correct my unforgivable behavior."

::)John was stunned at the change in the birds attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

" May I ask what the chicken did wrong?"

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684 Posts
Just heard this one:

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of
first-graders--using a bowl of lifesavers.  He gave all the children the
same kind of lifesavers, one at a a time and asked them to identify them by
color flavor.

The chilren began to say:            Red.....Cherry
                                        Yellow... Lemon

Finally the professor gave them all Honey lifesavers.
After eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify
the taste.
"Well", he said, "I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother may
sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled,
"Oh my God!!!! They're ass holes!!"
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