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Discussion Starter #1
post 'em up folks...


ITALIAN HONEYMOON

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to this friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"
Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food.
She brough at da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket.

The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car .'
"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice.
'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'
"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."
 

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wife talking to husband,you know my birthday is coming up and i want something that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds.husband says ok and bought her a bathroom scale
 

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Discussion Starter #10
i've posted this one before i think...

Ole was hunting geese up in the slough. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, the foolish dog knocks the gun over, it goes off and Ole took most of an ounce of fours in the groin. Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he comes to and there is his doctor, Sven.



"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."



"What's the bad news?", asks Ole.



"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."



"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"



"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in the Minnesota Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
 

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Two Sides to Every Story

Her Side of the Story:

My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it.

I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to some place intimate so we could talk more privately.

We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else?

I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the heck that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything.

We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed.

Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me, and to my surprise, we made love.

But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him, but instead I just cried myself to sleep.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he must be having an affair.

*******************************************

His Side of the Story:

Played awful today --- shot 87 - - -can't putt for ****! Felt kind of tired. Got laid though.
 

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The Texas Preacher

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face.

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"
 

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oldie but goodie :D

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an ***hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '***hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ***hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '***hole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ***hole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale " sign in his back window,so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ***hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW ***hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is. I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at

34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen."

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an ***hole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two ***holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called ***hole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an ***hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"I said, "Yeah." He screamed, "Stop calling me!" I said, "Make me." He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "***hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ***hole," and hung up.

Then I called ***hole ..2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, ***hole." He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your a**,"

I answered, "Well, ***hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two ***holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger Management works!!
 

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Shlomo's wife was screaming at him: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So he turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?
 
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