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I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call."Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is $ex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic,...... but for an outside line Sir, you need to press 9."

:)
 

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My mail lady was shocked when I showed up to the door naked. I don't know what surprised her more, the fact that I was naked or that I knew where she lived!:scared::scared:
 

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An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.
He tried to plow a lot.

One day when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.
All of a sudden the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her....................... dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'
 

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A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything; however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up.

So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."
 

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The Cynical Philosopher...

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?


Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.


If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.


I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.


When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.


A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.


America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote.


You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.


My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.


I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.


Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.


You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.


If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.


I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”


My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.


My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.


Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us” If you’re in Denny’s, and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!


The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.


On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.


The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.


I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.


Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!


***And my favorite***

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
 

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I get pulled over on my way home from the lake, Officer walks up and says " your eyes are red, you been smoking pot?"
I replied "your eyes are glazed, you been eating donuts?"


DOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! >:D
 

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What's the difference between a stoned driver and a drunk driver?






























A drunk driver will run red lights....

A stoned driver will pull up to a stop sign and wait for it to turn red.
 

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At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. He posted a sign at the entrance to the building...
EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED -- POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY.

A retired Marine sergeant named Gunny, drunk and with a ragged dirty look and smelling of last night's rounds, strolled by the building and saw the sign. He went into the building to apply for the position.


Aghast at his appearance, the director wondered how to send him away but, to be fair, he gave him a glass of wine to taste. The old
"jarhead" held the glass up to his left eye, tilted his head toward incoming sunlight and studied the contents looking through the glass.
He then took a sip and said, "It's a Southern California Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Somewhat low-grade but acceptable."

"That's correct," said the boss. Glancing at his assistant he said..."Another one, please."

The old Marine took the goblet, full of a deep red liquid, stuck his nose into the glass, sniffed deeply and took a long slow sip....rolling his eyeballs in a circle, he then looked at the director and said... "It's a Cabernet Sauvignon, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass." said the director.

Receiving another glass, again, the Marine eyed the crystal, took in a little bit of the aroma and sipped very softly....

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, very high grade and exclusive,'' said the drunk calmly.

The director was astonished and winked at his assistant to suggest something.

She left the room and came back in with a wine glass half-full of urine.

The old Sergeant eyed it suspiciously...a color he could not quite recall.

He took a sip, swishing it over his tongue and across his teeth, musing upward all the while.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father.”



NEVER, EVER ... UNDERESTIMATE THE TALENTS OF A UNITED
STATES MARINES NON-COMMISSIONED OFFICER!
 

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Egg Timer

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

:)
 

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Finally Someone Has Cleared This Up

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Washington has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States or Canada. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical advice.

:)
 

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Trump - Pelosi Joke

The President and the head of the Democrat Party, Nancy Pelosi, are arguing extensively over allowing immigrants into our country. Nancy of course wants free access to everyone who wants to come in, while Donald wants us to secure our borders and insure only the right people come in.

Instead of going to a costly, time-consuming nationwide vote on the matter, they agree to a 3-day ice fishing contest to settle the issue whoever catches the most fish at the end of the 3 days will have his or her process implemented.

The two decide that a remote frozen lake in northernWisconsinwould be the ideal place. No observers on the fishing grounds,but both would need to have their catches verified and counted each night at 5 PM so they use a neutral park ranger station.


After Day 1, Trump returns to the station with a total of 10 fish, while Pelosi comes back with nothing.

Day 2 finishes and Trump catches another 20 fish, but Pelosi once again comes back with nothing.

That night, Pelosi and her liberal cronies get together and accuse Trump of being a “low-life, cheating piece of scum.”Instead of fishing on Day 3, they are going to follow Trump and to spy on him and figure out how he is cheating.

Day 3 finishes up and Trump has had an incredible day, adding 40 more to his total.


That night, Pelosi and her democratic cohorts get together for the full report on how Donald was cheating.


Pelosi stands up to give her report and says, “You are not going to believe this. Trump is cheating because he's cutting holes in the ice.”


And this, my friends, tells you the difference between a businessman and a career government politician.


:)
 

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The police sent me a ticket and picture of me speeding,
I sent them a picture of a check,
They sent me a picture of handcuffs...

WELL PLAYED!!! :rockon:
 
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