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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where
she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. Can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. Package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt
to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the
items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation,
but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed
single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly.
 

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My children want a cat for Christmas, I usually have a turkey but being the fine father I am I always aim to please them...We're having cat!!!
 

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Hilarious Weird Stuff:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it).
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (OMG! eewwww).
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (The last part sounds familiar)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Creepy).
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to the body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the...")
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig. Quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh geez! I really didn't need to know that!)
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing.)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?)
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. (I really didn't need to know that either)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!)
Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew...?, Who cares!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about the pig?)
 

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two priests

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses.





Next morning, they were at the beach, enjoying drinks, sunshine and the scenery when a beautiful topless blonde walked straight towards them.




They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning Fathers", and then passed on by.

Stunned, they wondered, how in the world did she know they were priests.



So back to the store to buy even more outrageous outfits. Now in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.





After a little while the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking back toward them. Again, she nodded at each of them saying "Good Morning Fathers" and walked on by.





One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "Young lady, we're priests and proud of it but how in the world do you know we are priests dressed as we are?"




To which she replied...








‘Father, it’s me,………… Sister Kathleen!’













































 

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Kill her."
The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home"

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few
minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman,
wiping sweat from her brow.


"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair"
 

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I remember when I was a youngster and when my parents would cuss they would tells us "pardon my French". That later came back to haunt me when I started school and one of my teachers asked if any of us students spoke French! #^@%&^&*!!! :eek: ;D
 

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I was thinking maybe we can have Creepy Uncle Joe committed, decorate his room at the old folks home to look like the Oval Office and tell him he won!!! :thumb::thumb::thumb:
 
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