Excuses

Remember Dan you and Koni asked for these
EXCUSES

There are thousands of excuses divided into thousands sub categories of excuses divided into thousand of categories of excuses. I have personally used or have heard more than three-quarters of all of these excuses. Trying to break each excuse down into a sub category of excuses and then to break them down into a category of excuses could take the rest of my natural life. Therefore I have decided to examine the most notable and important category, I have then broken that down into 3 sub categories. The main category is Fishing. This breaks down into three sub categories, Why I returned home late from fishing, Why I need to miss work to go fishing and last but not least Why I returned home without any fish. I have mastered all of these categories, that is for the last one I have never experienced that one. If you believe this then there is no reason for you to go any farther cause as anyone can see, you will believe anything.
Lets start with the sub category, Why I returned home late from fishing. This can be broken down into two sub/sub categories, Good excuses and Poor excuses. I will demonstrate the use of Good excuses. I will also give you some examples of Poor excuses and the reasons not to use them. During the next few lines I will explain the phrases to use, when to use them and when not to use them.
Poor Excuses:
 ?I was defending your honor, my fishing buddies were having an intelligent argument about whose wife was the best. I could not just leave and not defend the most wonderful wife in the world. I had to stay and make sure that they knew who was the best.? Now really do you think that she will buy this? She knows the only think that you and your fishing buddies argue about is who?s turn is it to buy beer. The next thing is when you are with your buddies she knows that you all completely forget about your families. The most important mistake is the use of the word intelligent, remember you are talking about your fishing buddies.
 ?The fish were biting and you and your buddies just could not get them to stop getting on your lines.? How stupid do you think she is? When was the last time you and your buddies returned home with any fish. Don?t you think if this was the case you should have brought in more than one fish. Maybe it would have worked if you had not asked what?s for dinner when you arrived home. Bringing home fish wrapped in plastic and with price tags on them don?t count.
 ?There was a major accident on the highway and the traffic was backed up.? What do you thing that she does not have a radio or a television set. Not only that it is the weekend and there is no traffic or highway between your house and the lake. Besides your fishing buddy just called and he said nothing about an accident and she could hear his wife saying that the excuse that he used was the stupidest one he has tried and it wasn?t the same one you were using. Maybe if her best friend did not work at the emergency room in the near by hospital it would have helped you.
 ? There was this older lady, whose car was broken down standing beside the road, I of course being a gentleman pulled over and helped her with her problem.? To start with then why doesn?t your hands smell of grease or oil, the only smell is that of fish. Second, you the mechanical nitwit trying to help some one. She has seen the times when you could not even tell the different between the trunk and the hood, let alone a battery or engine. Third, the mistakenly use of the word gentleman. Wasn?t it you that had the ninety year old woman change your flat tire a while back because you could not figure out how to get the hub cap off.
Now for the List of GOOD Excuses for returning late.
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Ok Lets return to this a little later, every thing has come to slip my mind as for now.
Why I need to miss work. This sub category is a group of phrases and excuses that can be used to stump your employer and to convince them to let you take off for the day.
Poor excuses:
 ?My best friends wife just called, he has been in an accident and his last words was that he wanted to se me one more time.? Isn?t that funny your employer never heard the phone ring, plus didn?t he tell the receptionist to block all calls from your friends and their supposedly families. How many best friends do you think the boss will buy? Didn?t you use this same line already four times this year? Besides that didn?t he just catch you reading the fishing report on the Internet.
 ?Cough, hack, cough, I am so sorry but as you can tell, I have a very bad cough. The Doctor doesn?t know what deadly disease it could be. He has never seen such a infectious disease in his incredible medical life he wants to quarantine me but I really want to come to work.? Wasn?t it you that just referred to your Doctor as a Quack, because he would not write you a prescription for you to buy worms. Besides how many sick days a year do you think you deserve, the object is to work more than you take off.
 ?My car won?t start and I have called the motor club and they won?t be able to make it till late afternoon.? Wasn?t it you that just spent a whole month pouting and moping around the office until your boss would give you a raise so you could replace the wreck of a vehicle you were driving. Not only that you live less than a mile from the office and there are busses running every 10 minutes that go right by your house and the office.
Now for the Good Excuses.
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One more time lets get back to this subject at a later date, my memory has seemed to have left me again.
The last sub category that I would like to discuss is the most important of all, Why I returned with out any fish.
Poor Excuses:
 ? While I was returning home from fishing I saw this poor homeless family standing on the street corner. They looked like they had not eaten for weeks. I just could not help but feel sorry for them. I donated all my fish to them.? Your wife knows you better than that, if you took all the fish that you have caught in the last year, You could put them in a sardine can and still have room for twice as many. Besides that you live out of town and there has been no homeless families spotted there since the Great Depression. Weren?t you the one that tried to charge the Girl Scout for delivery fees.
 ?I was thinking of all the future young anglers and the thought of me catching fish and bringing them home so they could not experience the thrill that I have just broke my heart.? A Broken Heart, the last time you had a broken heart was when the local bait shop ran out of worms and you had to wait for a day. Thinking of some one else other than your self, really the last time you thought of some one else was when you were thinking what the guy across the lake was using to catch all those fish.
 ?You should have seen all the rookies that were fishing by me, the distracted all the fish from me.? The real thing was that every time you cast out and your line landed on the water like a 2 ton rock hitting the plate glass and your line looked like the worlds largest spider web. This was not the fault of the rookies, just cause their line would hit the lake without even making a ripple.
 ?The lake was too low, too high, too muddy, or too clear.? An other mistake that you have made. You should have not told her that you were going to the river to fish. Who cares about the depth of the lake or its clarity, the river that you were at fishing is some twenty miles away.
 ?The Barometric Pressure was changing, thus disturbing their feeding habit and swimming pattern.? Barometric Pressure, You can hardly say it let alone know what it stands for. The last time you tried to explain it to some one was, ? It is the meter that measures how much pressure you can lean on the bar before it breaks and spills your beer.
Now for the Good excuses.
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Why waste my time explaining any good excuses, no one will listen to or believe them any way.
member Dan you and Koni asked for these.