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Legendary quotes on France ;D ;D ;D


' France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.'

Mark Twain

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'I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.'

General George S. Patton

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'Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.'

Norman Schwarzkopf

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'We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.'

Marge Simpson

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'As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure.'

Jacques Chirac, President of France

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'The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.'

Regis Philbin

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'You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it.'

John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

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'The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag.'

David Letterman

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'Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada .'

Ted Nugent

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'War without France would be like…World War II.'

Unknown

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'The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq , then France .''

Tom Brokaw

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'What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?'

Dennis Miller

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'It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.'

Alan Kent

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'They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.'

Argus Hamilton

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'Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day…the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.''

Rep. Roy Blunt, MO

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'The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq '

Dennis Miller

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Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?

A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?

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'Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It's not known, it's never been tried.'

Rep. R. Blount, MO

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'Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining.'

John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv

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French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney

(AP), Paris , March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris , caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
 

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The Complete Military History of France

Last update: May 4, 2005.

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
 

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- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
:D :D :D :D :D ;D ;D >:D
 

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Paraphrasing Robin Williams here a little, but the jest is right..

Frenchman speaking,.."America, I hate you! I spit on you! You make me vile and to throw up!"


"What? The Germans are coming?!! America. I love you!"
 

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Thanks for that..I haven't laughed that hard in awhile!

D.J.
 
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